送交者: jxh 于 2005-4-01, 20:03:31:
Details of failed Microsoft/Oracle Merger Released
Micracle Company was Not to Be
04/01/2005 by Rob Enderle
Today Microsoft and Oracle jointly leaked the details of their failed
merger talks, talks that, had they been successful would have combined
the two most powerful software companies into a firm so powerful few
governments would be stronger.
Driving the firms together was the realization that neither firm was
likely to beat the other in the marketplace and that the competitive
battle was, much like it was with Oracle and PeopleSoft, doing
significant margin and market valuation damage to both entities. While
there were certainly expected to be some DOJ (Department of Justice)
and EU (European Union) problems both organizations have seen so much
of these two companies of late that, upon hearing the rumor, 90% of
the staff went on holiday leaving a handful of maintenance people who
were, when last we checked, deeply analyzing the new Sony PSP for
anti-competitive behavior.
Naming the Company
The name of the combined entity, using the first two letters from
Microsoft, and the last five from Oracle, (this evidently took three
months to agree to, but Bill Gate's daughter, Jennifer, pointed out to
Larry Ellison that more letters was better, and to her father that
coming first was always best in separate meetings with the two
executives and closure on the name happened immediately after).
Miracle, pronounced "Miracle", was chosen.
Tag lines like "It is a Miracle that any of this works", "It is a
Miracle that you can afford our solutions", and "It is a Miracle that
our employees make it to work in the morning" were reviewed and given
due consideration. The PR and Marketing departments of both firms
finally settled on "When we listen to our customers it's a Miracle"
and the project moved ahead.
Picking the New Leadership
The final sticking point was deciding who would run the company, while
there was no doubt in anyone's mind that Bill Gates would remain as
Chief Architect (he had the biggest house) Steve Ballmer and Larry
Ellison both wanted to actually run the firm. Steve suggested they arm
wrestle for it, but here he had too big an advantage and Larry balked
and Larry suggested Marshal Arts but Steve knew Larry was better
trained so he balked. Once again Jennifer, who now was expected to
head litigation strategy for the two firms after finishing school, was
asked to assist.
She suggested the two play a video game, Larry could pick the type of
game and Steve could pick the actual game played. Neither executive
plays video games much, but Steve believed he had an edge because
Microsoft built games and Larry believed he had an edge due to his
marshal arts training.
It should be noted that Larry's practices his martial arts by taking
software engineers that question one of his decisions out of their
chairs, spinning them over his head three times, and then slamming
them down on the table saying, when they return to consciousness, how
he appreciates their view and expressing his hope that they will
continue to feel free to share their opinions in complete disregard
for their personal safety.
Playing the Game
Larry picked a flying game, and Steve picked Microsoft flight
simulator. On Saturday of last week the two sat down in front of equal
Dell XPS PCs with 24.1" Dell monitors (Dell co-sponsored the event)
for a battle to determine the leadership of Mircle. It didn't end
well, Larry started with a Russian Fighter similar to the one he owns
and Steve, in what appeared to be foolish move, picked a large Boeing
777 (Boeing is Microsoft's largest client and Boeing was co-sponsoring
the event).
When the two jets got within weapon's range Steve typed in a "cheat
code" given him by Bill Gates just before the match transforming the
777 instantly into the Star Ship Enterprise and the Russian Fighter
was no match for two photon torpedoes. Unfortunately they were doing
all of this in Bill's house with the sound turned up and the
concussive blast knocked out about a third of the spectators.
Larry Ellison, who had himself been on forums all the previous night
to find cheat codes and had mounted a black hole generating void
cannon on his own virtual jet but had been so surprised by the
transformation, had failed to fire it. Even though he was told this
happened to a lot of guys the first time, once he got up from the
floor, he called foul and broke off talks.
When asked Bill Gates said he never really wanted to merge anyway, he
just had a bet with Steve on whether they could get Larry to lose
control of his bladder. While Steve evidently won the bet, all three
men, and Jennifer, will undoubtedly remember all of this fondly.
This concludes our April 1 coverage of the news that never was; you
may now go back to watching the vastly more important Michael Jackson
trial.